FSS Newsletter :: June 2003

Better Relationships: 3 Communication Pitfalls to Avoid

Dr. Brenda Shoshanna

What are the secrets of effective communication? How do we truly get what we want while also giving our partners what they need? Let's look at the top three communication problems that most couples have -- and see how they can be solved right here.

Pitfall 1: Communicating to Manipulate
Sometimes we communicate solely for the purpose of getting what we want, when we want it, whether the other person is able to give it or not. We sulk, pout, threaten, cajolae or do whatever we can to make the other person feel bad. This kind of communication, however temporarily effective it may be, has a terrible effect on the long-term health of any relationship. Give it up. Respect what the other person has to offer. If they cannot give what you want to you, see if you can give it to yourself.

Pitfall 2: Communicating to Deceive
Needless to say, this is one of the most dangerous kinds of communication, one that destroys many relationships. Lies, exaggerations, games and general deceptions all cause confusion and pain. They shake the very foundation of the relationship and eventually cause a deep breach in trust. Be conscious of the danger of this and stop it before it starts. If this is something that sounds familiar to you, address it in your own behavior first. When you are honest and forthright, you will no longer be willing to accept deceit from others. You will have integrity in your relationships, and a sharp eye.

Pitfall 3: Communicating with Double Messages
Double messages -- saying one thing and doing another -- are a very prevalent form of deceit. This can also take the form of promising something, either with actions or words, and not delivering. Double messages cause a great deal of confusion. Always pay attention to a person's actions. They are more aligned with the truth than their words. If their words contradict what they're doing, ignore what is being said. Understand that the person is conflicted and split within themselves, and don't allow them to make you feel that way as well.