FSS Newsletter :: March 2002

Positive Parenting :: Life's a Stage

by Julia Clark

I got the idea for writing this piece after reading on a parenting message board what a mom had to say about her nine year old daughter going through a stage of temper fits, possibly "due to hormones." She decided to write off the tantrums as "a stage."

As I washed the lunch dishes later and pondered this, I suddenly realized: all of life is comprised of stages. Infants have their stages of development, and temperament, toddlers have theirs, and we adults certainly have our stages as well!

However, should the various "stages" be responsible for our children's behavior? Should the parents be responsible for it? Or, how about-- the child himself?

Yes, we all go through stages, but should we use that as an excuse to overlook it, hoping that somehow he'll "grow out of it?"

Take the example of a one year old, throwing food. Should we shrug and say "oh, it's just a stage, it'll pass?" Cut to the future. The same child is now five, six years old, and it's time for kindergarten. In the lunchroom, he thinks it's funny to throw food. But, that "stage" should have passed, long ago.

Hm. What's wrong with this picture? Was the child taught that throwing food was unacceptable, and taught how to clean it up himself, as best as his age and abilities allowed? True, a one year old can't clean up very well, but he can be told "no," firmly, and removed from the table if another incident occurs. Children this age learn so readily, and it will become a habit to behave at the table, as being with family at meal times is a pleasure- or should be- for even the youngest members of the family.

An older child can, and should, help to clean up his messes. In repeated incidents, the child can be removed from the table, perhaps being sent to bed a bit earlier.

No matter the age, there will always be a stage. It's our job as parents to help children to learn appropriate behavior, not enable it further with excuses. We do this by role modeling, patient teaching, and example. When needed, and appropriate, we impose consequences that, in time, will instill in the child that whatever he was involved in, there is a price to be paid: cleaning up, time out when age appropriate, an earlier bedtime- or whatever we discern it is that will get through to the child.

The benefits to this approach are many: the child is taught what is not allowed, and why. He learns that to persist in the misbehavior will bring about consequences, albeit unpleasant ones! The parent is then more in control, of the child and of her (or his!) emotions, thereby lessening their stress level. And, an unstressed parent is a happy parent!

Of course, this all takes time. Which is something we're all short on in these fast-paced, hectic times. Time spent teaching and modeling the desired behaviors, though, is time well spent. Taking the time to raise a well-mannered child that feels comfortable in social situations goes a long way towards good behavior!